Political Astrology: The Planets Interview Christine O’Donnell

Christine O'Donnell

(Astrology Explored) Commentator: Tea Party Endorsed Christine O’Donnell’s upset victory over nine-term U.S. Representative and former Delaware governor, Mike Castle has catapulted this Christian Conservative to national prominence. In the light of recent revelations that Ms. O’Donnell “dabbled in witchcraft” a special press conference is called, sponsored by the Association of Solar Planets, to answer these and other questions surrounding Ms. O’Donnell.

Christine O’Donnell: Thank you, thank you all for coming. Yes, Mr. Jupiter. .

Jupiter: You were raised a nice Catholic girl, but now you seem to espouse Evangelical Christianity. At least it looks like you have gone to bed with them, politically that is.

O’Donnell: I know what it’s like to live a life without principle. During my college years I was drinking too much and sleeping with men with whom there was no emotional connection. . . . as a Junior a friend me if I knew how an abortion was performed … She showed me the medical journals, and it was frightening.”

“There’s only truth and not truth. You’re either very good or evil. I went back to my dorm and asked myself what I was.”

Neptune: We are a bit confused. Are you Catholic or are you an Evangelical Christian?

Pluto: Never mind that. Miss O’Donnell, apparently your Catholic upbringing was quite lax, as news media has reported, since you admitted yourself during your high school years that you dabbled in witchcraft.

O’Donnell: I dabbled into witchcraft — I never joined a coven. But I did, I did. … I dabbled into witchcraft. I hung around people who were doing these things. I’m not making this stuff up. I know what they told me they do. […]

One of my first dates with a witch was on a satanic altar, and I didn’t know it. I mean, there’s little blood there and stuff like that. … We went to a movie and then had a midnight picnic on a satanic altar.

Pluto: Are you aware how silly that sounds to both Wiccans who do practice witchcraft and Satanists who worship the devil, since both are separate religious practices? I certainly don’t know any self respecting Satanist who holds midnight picnics on their altars and you say you do?

O’Donnell: That witchcraft comment on Bill Maher . . .I was in high school. How many of you didn’t hang out with questionable folks in high school?

Pluto: Does that list of questionable people include your sister, since she has written that among other spiritual practices she’s studied Wicca. And she does actively works with you on the campaign trail, does she not?

O’Donnell: Let’s put that to rest and move on.

Venus: Yes, let’s move on to something more interesting. You seem to have a lot of views regarding sex that aren’t quite in the mainstream.

O’Donnell: Sex is a covenant between a man and a woman and God.

Mars: Does that mean you espouse three-ways, Christine?

Venus: (stepping on Mars’ foot with her stiletto) As President of SALT you made a huge campaign condemning masturbation.

O’Donnell: The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. You can’t masturbate without lust!

I don’t encourage anyone to seek ‘abstinence.’ I cringe at terms like ‘secondary virginity’ or ‘recycled virgin.’ One of my goals is to get the body of Christ to stop proclaiming these words. I would rejoice if I never heard ‘abstinence’ from a pulpit again, As Christians, virginity is not even our goal. Purity and holiness are our calling in Christ.

Uranus: And your views on homosexuality?

O’Donnell: People are created in God’s image. Homosexuality is an identity adopted through societal factors. It’s an identity disorder.

Uranus: A view not shared by the American Psychiatric Association.

O’Donnell: Because — because authorities were too afraid to be called, quote, unquote, ‘homophobic’ because these homosexual special rights groups do get away with [anything].

Uranus: Well, what they getting away with here, Christine? Tell me what you’re seeing . . .

O’Donnell: They’re getting away with nudity! They’re getting away with lasciviousness! They’re getting away with perversion! . . .They’re getting away with blasphemy!

Saturn: You are said to espouse fiscal responsibility and want to reduce government.

O’Donnell: America is now a socialist society. 50% our economy is funded by the government.

Mars: Planet of sex and war here. In your calculations you include all facets of government spending not just entitlement programs. You are aware, are you not that military spending is over 20% of the federal budget. What part of our defense system do you want to cut?

O’Donnell: Um . . .

Saturn: The watchdog group Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics claim that over twenty thousand dollars of campaign funds were used illegally for your personal expenses, that in effect you used those funds as “your personal piggy bank”. How do you respond to those charges?

O’Donnell: “Are they going to make up lies and slander our families. Of course they will. But is it worth it? Let me ask you–is freedom worth it?”

Mercury: With the polls showing your opponent with a substantial lead how do you feel about your political career?

O’Donnell: I never wanted to run for office. I was an outspoken advocate, and if you run you have to water it down. But as someone who prays about every decision I make, I felt like God was leading me in the other direction.

I just cried out to God to use me to touch that generation.

Mars: But not yourself.

O’Donnell: During the primary [in 2006], I heard the audible voice of God. He said, ‘Credibility.’ It wasn’t a thought in my head. . . . But after the primary, I got credibility.

Commentator: We’ll see how credible the voters of Delaware think Ms. O’Donnell is in six weeks.

Add to Technorati Favorites

This entry was posted in Satire, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Political Astrology: The Planets Interview Christine O’Donnell

  1. Twilight says:

    This is priceless, Beth! Thanks so much for the chuckles and outright giggles.
    These days, in the USA, if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry, and despair at the idiocy of it all. 🙂

  2. Beth Turnage says:


    Thank you! I can’t much credit for the piece though, since she really did say all these things and the piece really did right (oops! I meant write) itself.


Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.